Long time no see. My life here in Ecuador has been filled with job, friends and unknown and just have not had time to write. I am in an okay place. My job has taken off in a million directions and everyday I am discovering something new. This will be my third job in a row that is like this and feel like I am not as frustrated this time around. I am being more proactive in asking questions and trying to plan ahead which is the "Sallie" in me. I started tutoring a little boy this week that is very curious and so so smart. I am having to start planning for that now and getting all those materials ready. Didn't think about that when I scheduled him, what a newbie moment! I also visited a new yoga studio this week and really really enjoyed it. It is no Y2 (former studio in Charlotte) but it was challenging yet enjoyable. I went three times this week but feel really crappy about my body right now, hence the post title.
I have always struggled with my body image as young as I can remember. I can remember pinching my stomach one night while doing my homework in high school, thinking "I wish I could lose that weight". Never realizing I was so very healthy and that little bit of fat was a good thing. I had a group of 8 gorgeuous girlfriends in high school that were stick think compared to me, I always felt I was the fat one. Yet realistically, I had athletic body and muscles for days. In high school, I was known at the girl with the "big boobs" and yet never took issue with that. Looking back, I had big boobs but on a body that was in shape and healthy, I appreciated them.
Then I stopped all my soccer and got some new friends, bud light and jack in college. I turned to food because I was felling out of control inside. My long time boyfriend and I had broken up because of college, I had not made to many new friends and had a meal plan that was endless. It became my life preserver to binge eat. Yes it probably is the grossest thing ever but it made me feel full and ease my anxiety. It took me the next three years to turn my self back around and start losing this weight. I realized that soccer was never going to be my physical outlet again and I had to find something else. The easiest was turning to the gym and yoga.
After graduating I returned home and was unhappy with my life so I turned to eating again in this transitional time. This lasted about six months before I really started into my yoga journey. Yoga brought peace inside of me so I didn't feel the need to numb my feelings with food. I started losing the weight again but also realized that I was still unhappy which is why I made the move to Ecuador.
Now a month and a half of being in Ecuador I feel SUPER fat. I can feel my clothes becoming tight! I am binge eating worse then ever before, don't know if that is true but its happening now so it feels like it. ha! SO I can only wonder if when I make a severe change in my life, will I always go through this period of weight gain? Why can't I have more self control? Why does it feel like another person takes over me when I am eating mass amounts of food? Why do I do this when I know it will make am gain weight and feel horrible? Plus it doesn't even make me feel better about the real problem I am stressing about. I have always come to Ecuador and lost weight because of the great food that is served in Ibarra(my brother-in-law home city), but having a job and always being on the go my meal times are limited. Plus I have been craving sweets, it's almost like I am addicted. All of this is soo embarrassing to write down but it's all so true.
The solution is not as simple as I make it. "Just stop eating Alison." This is the first line for the song that keeps playing in my head. "Tomorrow you will start new and take it day by day," but then tomorrow comes and I mess up. Once I have eaten it I think "Owell...might as well eat whatever I want." So I refuse to say start over, mess up or cut food groups out ANYMORE. I don't believe in diets because they are not sustainable. What I do have to do is start believing that my body is beautiful at this very moment with every curve, puff and lump. I have to understand that if I love my body now, not when I "get skinny", choosing not to eat something will become more manageable. Plus I think I need to be less hard on myself. I am a person that does not like to fail so with me feeling like I am almost drowning in the unknown and could fail at any second food has become my life preserver. Maybe this is my built in mechanism to be able to cope with all the anxiety and unknown I am dealing with at this very moment. All I know is that loving my body right here, right now is very hard to do and that is what I will be working on in the coming days. I know once I get settled into my new life, my weight will level back off, it's just getting to that point that in the past has taken me years and I can't afford to do that this time. I refuse.