Every relationship I have had has been me trying to fix the other person. I have been the care-taker, the mother, the therapist, yet never the girl-friend, the equal partner. I am learning the lesson when you set yourself up from the beginning to fill this role, the foundation of the relationship is centered around that. Once I accepted this role, I unknowingly allow the integrity of the relationship to deteriroate from the excuse “they are broken and its okay for them to treat me this way”. Is that the way love goes? I hope not.
The acknowledgment that we are not broken but on our own journey has made me reevaulate every relationship I have had. God has a plan for all of us no matter if we choose that road or not. So this one-sided love does not fit me well. I am an independent, strong-willed person that has believed true love meant relinquishing these rights for the good of the relationship. And it may be possible I never believed I was worthy of love. There lies the problem. My idea of true love is not so truthful but more a perceived idea from relationships around me and past experience. Because every relationship has ended badly I have contributed this to me failing the other person and myself. There has got to be something wrong with me, undeserving of a relationship. Yes this is harsh, I know but it has been the song that has been repeating in my head for years. No more.
My incredible yoga teacher, Grace said one thing to me that started the change “We are all fallible but so worthy of love”. I, with all my baggage, do deserve a person that I can enjoy life with. One that I can share equal parts while compromising when necessary. I deserve and am worthy of love just as much as the next person. Until now I had never believed this fact.
I cry from the pain of letting this relationship go. This guy has allowed me to be myself, he has pushed me to new thinking and gave me a safe place to say what ever I needed to. He has never felt bad for me even when I was fishing for a pity party and has always asked the questions to get through the walls I have built throughout the years. He is the person that brought me to see my true love for yoga and allowed me to experience many different facets of this place I know call my home. I feel like it never really got started before it ended but again there is a lesson to be learned. I wish him nothing but the best. My prayer for him is that the next time I get the opportunity to ask him “Are you happy?” He can say without dancing around the answer a simple yes. I have nothing but respect and love for you.
And the prayer for me is that I can be open for love. Right now I am hurting from the rejection, feeling a bit humiliated and filled with self-doubt. Maybe tomorrow I will want to dive in again even if that means more rejection. For now I sit with these emotions not indulging in the pain but creating space for growth. I knows this pain is temporary, so I will keep praying God has the right individual for me. I hope he is six-three, tall, dark, handsome…haha no just kidding! What ever he may look like, no matter where he may be, I will come with open arms not to fix but to fuse together a life worth living. Today all I know for sure is that I am happy even if it does accompany heartbreak.